These days I found an amazing AMV which I honeslty just can't stop watching.
It matches my current state of mind and mood so well I can hardly take my eyes or ears off it.
Reality is hard to face. Especially if you're at a complete loss as to what it even comprises.
In my case, I'm kind of at a loss which steps I shouls be taking to reach a future I could agree live with or even any future at all.
But I know there's people believing in me. And I intend to make them proud and prove myself to myself.
There's people I care about as well, and I want them to be able to be proud of knowing me, by causing the least amount of trouble and the maximum amount of joy I can to them.
I achieved many things I'd could never have believed were possible but also went trough things others just drop their jaws upon hearing it.
Overall, I think I'm going somewhere, it's just painfully slow at the moment. I'm a coward, so change is hard to pursue.
Especially if what you aim for is making everyone happy, despite that simply not being possible.
When life gives you lemons, punch it in the face until it gives you something else. That's always kinda been my attitude. At least internally.
Looking from the outside, It's more likely I will die of acidosis, than that I'd actually manage to willingly and awarely do anything I know could harm someone else.
And to be honest, it sucks. But I assume it will take me a long time to figure out how to live my own life to the fullest without being exploited.
Unfortunately on my road this year I've experenced several major setbacks ultimately forcing me to move back to a very toxic place.
I'm ultimately turning into someone enduring pain instead of stopping it from happening in the first place again.
Really must have been severaly weakened in the last few months. Not really surprising since I'm under constant stress and physical strain.
That also ultimately lead to this:
My wrist is fucked. It hurts. A lot. My "strong" hand is weak and shaky. My usually crooked lines got even worse.
Now hear me out... I'm really giving my best to rest in order for it to recover.
However that has proven to be harder than I thought given my current living circumstances.
Additionally, my constant urge to draw and write isn't proving very helpful either >.<
Either way I'm now experiencing the hell that is wrist strain first hand. And believe me - it seriously sucks.
I can only hope to recover soon.
On the bright side. I'm not planning on giving in or giving up that easily.
More as an experiment actually, I started a patreon and among friends it's been rather well received.
So if you are interested in supporting me, you can check it out here
I make no big promises, because I'm not currently in a state I could keep them, but I'm as always trying my hardest for everyones sake.
Love you all